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All my love, Aurora.
My father and I have a complicated relationship, but one of the things that bothers me the most is how he pressures me about work and success without realizing that 1. I was depressed for most of my life and wasn't able to function like a normal person, 2. He took almost 8 years to finish a degree in architecture (!!!) because he was too busy partying and drinking, and never was successful himself, even having all the privileges of a white, rich man. The hypocrisy of it all enrages me!
Even though he isn't successful, he passes as a rich man, not because of his own merit, but because of his connections. He can travel to Italy with his entire family - his official family consists of my two siblings and his obnoxious wife, not me, lol - for 10 days without paying for a thing; he gets to drive a fancy Ferrari on weekends that belongs to his father-in-law, and he doesn't even pay rent for his office. My father is young, he's only 20 years older than me, but he still lives and behaves like a spoiled child would. Okay, so your family and connections can pay for a lot of things, but that doesn't mean you should allow them to. Isn't owning up to your life what adulthood is all about?
I don't want to be like him. My family helps me out, but only because I was ill my entire life, including my adult years. It's been less than a year since I recovered, and I'm doing a lot of things with my life. I don't expect my life to work out perfectly because ''I deserve it''. If you start thinking with that logic, well, what makes you deserve it and the poor guy living on the street undeserving? It doesn't make any sense. Life is about grabbing opportunities, seizing the day, and focusing on the good.
I'm a privileged person, but unlike my father, I don't take it for granted. Being depressed for so many years taught me not to take anything for granted. I'm grateful for my writing, for my happiness, for my peace of mind, for my sleep, for my apartment, for my cats. I'm grateful for you, reading this. And I have this hunger inside of me for success. I was always like this, as a child, I dreamed of being an astronaut, pop singer, and prestigious writer, all at once. I don't want to be defined by only one thing, I want to wear many hats and do many things in this lifetime. Life isn't about productivity, I know, but productivity is a part of life. And I discovered that being productive makes me feel so good.
I want to be a prestigious and famous writer, win awards, win the fucking Nobel, and be on the New York Times bestseller list, but I also want so much more than that. I have a businesswoman side of me that I like and want to explore. I hate social media, but I want to help people through it, especially young girls who might go through similar things that I went through; I want to be inspirational, and I want to change lives. Money is important to me, but the most important thing to me is not making money, it's making an impact and changing lives for the better. That's what I've always wanted to do with my life.
And I'm sure I won't fail like my father did. Unlike him, I don't have a support system to fall back on, and unlike him, I don't feel comfortable depending on people. I'm trying to get away from my family members, so no, depending on them is not an option for me. When only money drives you, your motivation can be so weak. Because maybe you can ask someone for money, or you can cut back on your spending, instead of working harder. That's not the case for me, since money isn't my only source of motivation. What drives me is knowing that there are a lot of girls who think their bodies are wrong, who are struggling with their families, who were sexually assaulted, and who are dealing with trauma. Another thing that drives me is revenge, on all the people who told me I was a failure, who told me I would never succeed in life, who told me I would depend on my family's money for the rest of my life, who told me I was not smart enough to be a writer.
My father is an entrepreneur, but he thinks small. When I tell him about business opportunities I see online, like AI, he says it's all bullshit. When I tell him I'll one day live in New York, he says I'm delusional. He's perfectly okay with having a company that's barely giving him money and living in the small town he's always lived in. That's the difference between us, I might be delusional, but I dream big. And now that I'm not sick anymore, I'm confident I'm going to make it.
It's not in that area that we differ, we're completely different individuals. He was the popular athlete, I was bullied at school. He's stuck-up, I'm confident but kind. He thinks that he's better than everyone, I treat everyone the same way. He believes that owning designer clothes and being rich makes him better than poor people, I'm an activist for social and economic change. He wants to keep his privilege, I want to make the world a better place for everyone.
Here's to not being like our fathers.
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I’m so sorry you have such a challenging relationship with him, but I’m glad you have found some peace with it at least. It’s much easier once we accept the limitations of our parents, even if there’s always going to be some part of us that wishes for a better dynamic with them. This also helps me learn how to be a better dad to my two daughters, so thank you. ☺️